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Amsterdam - Week 2

Amsterdam, red light spells danger
Week Two

The week in numbers (so far)...

Miles ran: 0
Times I've been to the gym: 5
Alcohol drunk: Too much, way too much
Cakes eaten: So, so many cakes

Weight: Not a clue but only elasticated shorts now fit.

Monday 7th July

It's back to Monday and I still haven't ran.

Last week was all about the gym and looks like this week will be the same.

I'm manically busy Mon, Tues and Wed this week with work so will need to squeeze the gym in somewhere.

I'm going on holiday this week and also need to sort my case out for that, a bit of spare time today to check what needs washing and packing and a depressing moment when I realise my shorts don't fit because I've put about half a stone on. Same goes for one of my t shirts which is a little snug, but the beauty of regularly being both fat Simon and slim Simon means I have clothes in small, medium, large and extra large so we're back in the looser fitting small stuff and the comfortable mediums but I'm still depressed and contemplate going to the gym twice today to punish myself but don't have time so just going after work.

Now I'm not saying I'm starting to enjoy the gym but I certainly am hating it less. I have a routine I work through using kettlebells and bodyweight and I've progressed from 5 press-ups to 10, 10 very strained press ups. Today I managed an impressive 13 press-ups with the final 2 being a mess of sweat and my body shaking uncontrollably.

Tuesday 8th July

Crazy day of working from 8am today and also Sam's 20th birthday.

No time for gym but lots of time to eat birthday cake and I eat lots because I'm a fat pig.

I also manage to get my suitcase 90% packed and stick some running gear in so I can use the gym when I'm away. A futile exercise really as It's all inclusive so 20 mins in the gym isn't really gonna do a damn thing to counteract the 10000 calories a day I'll be consuming.

Christ I really am a greedy fat fucker.

Wednesday 9th July

Last day at work before the holiday, I've squeezed in 2 days of work into one day so working from 8am til 7:45pm and then I plan to drink a pre holiday bottle of wine.

So today is work, work, work, cancellation, nip to the gym, talk to Neil in the gym for 20 mins do some gym stuff, work, work, work, wine, iron my holiday clothes, pack my bag, bed.

And big news today, I manage 15 press ups in my 60 seconds and then, hang on, I've still got time, keep going Simon, you can fucking do this.....

I manage (with a short breather) a mighty impressive 20 press ups.

Tomorrow is holiday and I can't wait

Thursday 10th July

Up early and sit outside having my morning coffee with Marvin, he's sunk into a major depression for the last few weeks because his girlfriend Lola has moved away. He follows me round the house most of the day crying or standing outside staring at Lola's house wondering where she's gone. The new people have a cat but it's not allowed out yet and to be honest Marvins a bit of a dick and will probably attack it anyway.

He's from Shiremoor you know, their hard as nails round there.

Off to the airport in the afternoon for a 2:40 flight to Izmir, flight is delayed by 20 mins and we have the obligatory pint in the airport.

On the plane and the pilot absolutely floors it and we're landing about 40 mins early. We're off the plane really quick, cruise through passport control and our cases are the first off the carousel, this is all too smooth. Onto the coach first and we figure we'll be stuck here for ages waiting for everyone else, half an hour goes by and the rep tells us we're waiting for 2 more families and then we will be on the way. The driver gives them approximately 36 seconds and then thinks 'fuck it's and we're off.

At the hotel, check in, super smooth process, in the rooms and then at the bar before midnight having a beer.

Oh, there's also a proper bar here that's open 24 hours to go alongside the 4 other bars that shut at midnight.

This is my kinda place.

Friday 11th July

Up at 7am.

Yeah you read that right, I'm on holiday and up at 7 to go to the gym. An hour of cross trainer and treadmill and then shower and breakfast where I eat about 17 different types of cheese.

As I've already said, this is my kinda place.

A day spent round the pool drinking and pretending to be asleep every time a member of the 'entertainment' team come past. I don't do enforced fun, lying on a sun lounger and listening to Getdown Services is my idea of fun.

Speaking of Getdown Services, they are now my soundtrack group of the holiday. Every holiday I latch onto a different band, in the past it's been Jamie T, Ren, Stevie Wonder and this year is the West Country funky duo of Getdown Services, they have a great song called Both Our Dad's Like James Brown, where they just repeat the same line over and over again. Superb.

For lunch today I ate salad and cheese.

There's so much cheese here. I also ate 4 puddings.

And finished off with some cheese.

I'm not running and I'm eating too much, my leg still hurts so I don't envisage running happening anytime soon. Amsterdam is looking less and less likely.

But I'm happy because I'm on holiday.

I just remembered, we also have a mini bar and it's in the all inclusive, what a fucking time to be alive.

On Friday night I also catch my big toenail on something in the room and then have to sit on the balcony slightly pissed and rip it off.

It hurts.

A lot.

Saturday 12th July

IUp early for some sun lounger action.

Alarm goes off at 6:30, didn't go to bed until about 3am so I'm quite tired and a little delirious.

And hungover.

Down to get some sun loungers and then back to bed. I bagged same good ones today, annoyingly though they are in the direct path of the guy from the entertainment team so I have to spend large periods of the day pretending to be asleep.

I also do spend large periods of the day asleep.

Up for breakfast, plate of salad to be healthy, some yoghurt and honey and something they call 'raspberry soup' which people put into mini ice cream cones. This turns out to be jam.

I'm glad I saw someone else put it in the cone as I had intended to fill a bowl with it and eat it like soup, it is called raspberry soup after all. Now if I had done this I would have had to eat the entire thing to save embarrassment.

Decided for lunch I'm going to be sensible, no raspberry soup, no cakes, no bread, no pastries.

Lunch is salad, hummus and couscous.

And wine.

And cakes.

Fat Simon loves a cake.

I purchased myself a new pair of sliders for the holiday, some classic Adidas black ones.

I realise on day 1 they hurt my feet, not too small or too tight but weirdly I'm getting a rash from them and my feet have turned bright red where they touch my skin.

I've developed a way of wearing them so they are very loose and my foot is just in them and not rammed in. This works a treat.

Until, during lunch, I walk a little too enthusiastically and my left slider shoots off my foot and hits a large German lady in the back of the leg. She turns to look at me, I half mumble an apology whilst trying to slide my foot back in to my now upside down slider.

I continue to wear my sliders in my lacklustre way as I decide my comfort is more important than a slight injury to German ladies.

I have no idea if she is German by the way, the hotel is mostly filled with Germans, Dutch and Turkish people. She definitely wasn't English as her husband wasn't wearing a football shirt and eating chips, she wasn't Turkish as her skin was that beetroot red colour of a pasty Caucasian that rarely sees the sun. She may have been Dutch but my only reference for Dutch people are Dennis Bergkamp and Vincent van Gogh and she looked like neither of them.

I was going to say my only reference point for Dutch people was the Swedish Chef from the Muppets and then I remembered he's not Dutch.

He's Swedish.

Swedish Chef, the clues in the name.

Sunday 13th July

It's back to gym day.

The gym is not air conditioned, I last about 30 mins before thinking I might actually melt.

I'm also quite hungover.

That's enough for me and Lily and we head back to our rooms and get ready for breakfast.

For breakfast today I basically eat crap. Pastries, chocolate spread, orange juice, more pastries.

I give the raspberry soup a miss today, I'm still tempted to fill an entire bowl with it and eat it like soup for comedy value.

Lunch is pizza and coke.

The rest of the day is pinacolada's and Tiger Eyes cocktails and it's hitting 44 degrees which as I'm sure you know is hot.

I spend most of the day listening to an audiobook, it's Adam Buxton's Ramble Book and I often snort out loud with laughter. I was always a huge Adam and Joe fan back in the day and he's a very underrated funny man.

Up drinking until past 2am again, my old man body is holding up okay but I need daytime naps in the sunshine to recharge my batteries like some kind of solar powered pre-pensioner.

London 2023

Want to read all about my London adventure in 2023.

It's mostly about Ben, my sausage dog nemesis and wine.

LONDON CALLING

Yorkshire 2024

Enjoyed reading about London?

Now its time for York and reading about Bilbo, mushrooms and wine.

And Ben.

YORKSHIRE PUDDINGS

Manchester 2025

Well you've read the last two so may as well carry on.

Manchester, so much to answer for. Yeah Ben gets a mention or two

MANCHESTER - THE SECOND COMING